Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I Am Frightened To

To me: there is nothing more nerve-racking then sharing music you've made with other people. Perhaps it is related to the hidden desire we all have to be liked and have others think we are good people; music is a very personal thing so that would make sense. Either that or I'm just really nervous about nothing.

It's very odd, I like the stuff I do, I don't mind talking about it, but when it comes down to having other people listen to, I get nervous as fuck.

I can't really explain it. I love the stuff I make; hell, I'm rocking it right now, but I'm always worried that someone else will think it's absolute shit. I suppose that's what it really is, not so much the fear of failure, but the fear of having something important to me be disregarded by others.

It's an odd anxiety, but I've found a lot of people share it. We're all embarrassed to death when we share music that we've made, so the question is not is this a unique anxiety, but why does it exist. Here's my two cents of analysis:

Society, as a whole, discourages honest discussion and expression of emotion. Those that do express their feelings get teased and ridiculed if they aren't bursting into tears or breaking things (seriously, who hasn't made fun of the arteeest types for always going on and on about the emotion they were trying to express and how no one understands). By the same token opening one's self up to the emotions of another person is a no-no. Being emotional is tied to fits of fancy, irrationality, and generally stupid actions, which is ridiculous, but that's how it is.

Listening to music about love and angst and rage and grief and happiness and everything takes a leap of faith; a willingness to open up to enjoying it, a willingness to accept what the artist is trying to express. So, the combination of society pressuring us not to express our emotions to others and the pressure to not open up to the emotions of others leads us to fear sharing something as personal as music we made for fear that the person your sharing it with will think you're being stupid and ridiculous.

Embarrassment doesn't make any sense, but it still exists. Really, fear in general is what holds society together a lot of the time (fear of consequences). It may just be our fear of being the monkey that stands out and gets eaten or thrown out of the pack, but is fear of embarrassment really a bad thing? Who really wants to feel stupid?

I probably just need to ease up, and I do share my stuff with a lot of my friends, but I can't help but to wonder, if they're just taking it, listening to it, and sometimes saying they like it (although usually not, but that's been my problem) to humor me or if they really do like it.



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