If You Would Direct Your Attention to Monitor Three, Dr. Riggetti Has a Facinating Visual Aid

I am incapable of being inconspicuous. At least, I fail at subtly getting someone's attention.

Most of the people I know can get other people's attentions by clearing their throats or issuing forth a fake cough sound. These are quiet, relatively unobtrusive ways of getting a person's attention, without tearing into what ever they were doing before like a rapid Doberman jumping through your window and biting your arm off. Well, maybe you'll spook them and they'll slice their hand off on the table saw they were working with, but most people don't try to talk to you while you're working with sharp, rotating, or otherwise deadly items... right?

To return to the topic at hand: I can't seem to do the throat clearing or dry coughing to gracefully. There's either to much sound created or I start hacking. It doesn't matter what I try; "ahem," always comes out way too loud and I might as well have just said something.

Realistically this part of a larger problem of me being too damn noisy. I can't whisper at all; it comes out too low unless I'm right on top of them (something that happens far too infrequently with women as far as I'm concerned, but I'm bitter) or everyone can hear it, so what was the fucking point? I also have a nasty tendency to curse and talk louder than I need too, so I look like an idiot half (well three-quarters at least) the time.

Someone, maybe Jack or someone with an equally high level of respect for me, said I probably just have a mild case of Tourette's Syndrome, which isn't a bad theory, actually. After all, Tourette's is really just an inability to control parts of your body (the uncontrollable cursing just gets all the attention because it's so funny. Speaking of funny things about Tourette's this book has the best title ever and is the most open discussion of the disorder I've ever read), which is kind of like being unable to control the volume of your voice.

My greatest power, is my power of rationalization. Wouldn't that be a crap-tacular super-power, the power to spew convincing bullshit! They could just get a good job as a White House Press Secretary, but not much else. "Power," is misused in this instance, and I retract my usage of it and replace it with capacity. Also replace greatest with, "most worthless," and forget this discussion about replacing things. That would make this more coherent.

What's worse is when I get excited (I was going to say, "no, not that way," but that happens too, so never mind) because I get louder just like anyone else does except and this on top of my normal loudness is just ridiculous. I think everyone I know has told me to turn it the fuck down at least once.

I'm not saying being loud doesn't come in handy at times. I can bellow things out fairly well and get people's attention right away. If I'm ever in a situation where I'm leading a band rag-tag survivors after some horrible cataclysm, I'll be able direct effectively. Then again, if I'm leading, then we're all in trouble, so it doesn't really matter. Didn't the old timey British navy have a non-command post for loud people? Noah, I'm looking at you here.

This really doesn't matter at all, and this post is apparently about nothing (as most posts are). My relentless fixation on my own foolishness continues.

As a side note: my dentist leaves the, "light rock," station on while things are being done to my mouth. This is bad enough, but then I heard "Here Comes the Sun" and then I just felt sorry for George Harrison; all that work to be regulated to the horror of, "light rock," shame.

-Thomas