Friday, December 30, 2005

Smells Like Vampire Shit

I was going to the bathroom - nothing too unusual there - at a particular Minnesota based retailer that shall remain nameless yesterday. Now, I had to drop a load like you would not believe, but, much to my dismay, all two stalls in the men's bathroom were occupied. This fills me with a dread I cannot describe because men are the worst crappers in the entire world. Get us in front of a urinal, we are in and out with minimal time. You sit yourself down in a stall and as soon as you click that lock into place, you are on vacation. You've got time to doodle, scratch out a political manifesto, scratch that nasty itch, and even do a bit of yoga if that's your thing. Needless to say, with this knowledge in hand, I am not looking forward to the purgatory I was now facing. My vision narrows on the two stalls and my ears flick about, listening for any sounds of flushing.

Now, as I'm standing there, desperately trying not to do something rather embarrassing to my fine pair of pants, I can't help but to inventory my options in case I get desperate. I furtively glance about the tiled confines of my rapidly narrowing world and decide in case of an emergency I can do my business in the sink, trash can, floor, or one of the two open urinals.

I discard sink off hand, as that kind of destroys the purpose of a sink. The floor quickly follows because I try to avoid feeling like I live in a third world country when I don't. The trash can I linger on for a moment, even rationalizing that it'll get taken care of faster than any other option I have considered. Reason quickly sets in as I realize that it is way to high up along the wall and would require far more acrobatic skill than what I like to employ when going to the bathroom.

That and if I were cleaning trashcans at this particular retailer, I would hate my job already and this would probably push me over the edge, and I would hastily quit my job and regret it as soon as I got to my car.

Anyway, this leaves me staring at the two open urinals. The longer I glance at these un-utilized receptacles of human waste, the more irritated I get. I have, at this point, ruled out using the urinals for what is definitely not their intended purpose, and have simply begun to stew with impotent rage at the inefficiency of the whole situation. At some point in my inner anger-ridden rant, I come to the conclusion that urinals should be removed completely.

Yeah, I said, man's personal piss playground should be removed and replaced with fully functional toilets. Here's my reasoning: guys piss in standard toilets all the time; at home, at a friend's house, unisex facilities, when there's no urinals left, and at male-only retreats at locations that have both bathroom types available, but the men's bathroom is all full up and since there's no women anywhere nearby you can use the women's bathroom. So, why can't we all just agree to put in four stalls where we currently have two stalls and two urinals and be done with it? No more wasted ceramic space, no more awkward half-muttered comments like,
"Looks like there's a line."
Do you hear me public restroom management of America? Do you fucking hear me?



Blogger marie said...

You are one classy individual, Thomas.

Not to mention, I haven't laughed this hard since looking at this afternoon.

6:23 PM, December 30, 2005  
Blogger T Kwong said...

I aim to please and thank you.



6:37 PM, December 30, 2005  

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