Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Earthquakes Don't Kill People, Buildings Do

I'm a fucking building and I might kill you. Sound of the police. Woo Woo Woo.

I'm sorry I forgot about Valentine's Day, blog-folk. You know how much you mean to me. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Well, I'll at least buy you that pair of shoes you were looking at yesterday. Maybe not for a couple weeks, but I'll totally buy them for you.

I've decided that my dream hobby (not job, just a side thing) would be to name the streets in new suburbs. I mean, look at those shits who are currently in charge, zero creativity.

Wilderness Run Court, Wilderness Run Drive, Wilderness Run Avenue, Wilderness Run Street, Wilderness Run Boulevard, Wilderness Run Place, come on. I guess those are better than Jamaica Court, Jamaica Avenue, well you know where I'm going from here, but nevertheless, weak sauce street namers, weak fucking sauce.

Now, if I was in charge of your new suburbs street names, well, you would have the best fucking address ever. Imagine yourself saying, "Why, yes! Yes, I do live at 1238 Corpse Choked Lane." Yeah, that's the fucking shit. Think of yourself telling your friends, "Hey, I just moved to a new place. Yeah, it's out in the middle of nowhere. Mmm hmm. Anyway, my new address is 9827 Hemophiliac Wound Avenue..." Envision your delight when you fill in that change of address form, "38517 Pit of Blood Drive." Talk about earning the respect of your post office!

Although, I can see one potential problem with having suburbs with such awesome street names: I would hate to make the choice between 77 Pestilence Scars Lane and 1704 Floating Carcass Path.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

FLOATING CARCASS PATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

although floating carcass lane would be better...... but whatever.

10:38 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Jesse said...

"It's super easy to find my new place -- you just take the Cthulhu overpass to Baby Blood Lane, then a left on Gangrenous Stump Road, then right on 6th street. Third house on the left. The one with the blood spray in the snow. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hobos."

1:00 PM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger T Kwong said...

See, it would be the best suburb EVER.

Vtducehb! Sugary venereal disease of doom, primarily affecting hobos.


1:33 PM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Jack said...

I get lost all the time anyway, I don't know if this would help or hinder.

"I'm at Death Blow To The Cunt Avenue, and I can't seem to find Bludgeoned Neck Circle... God dammit, Mapquest was no help, it just scared me and made me feel a bit queasy."

Hucapngc! (I'm not sure, maybe it crawls around in the rainforest, screaming it's name Pokemon style and stealing the wallets of poachers. That'll show em!)

12:39 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger T Kwong said...

I think it would at least make it cooler. Sure, you'd still be lost and confused, but at least your story would have an edge of drama at all times.

"Then I turned right on Broken Souls Path, but that just emptied back out on to Devil's Haven Avenue. So, I had to go all the way back to Fountain of Scabs Court..."


1:56 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger T Kwong said...

In other news:



3:38 PM, March 01, 2006  
Blogger aa00aa00aa00 said...

This is one of the funniest things I've read today!

2:09 AM, April 30, 2006  

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