Monday, April 09, 2007

You Are No Longer Welcome in My Country

I have begun to worry about becoming too insular. Insular isn't even really the right word for it, but it's close enough. It's an odd fear, one I'm not really sure I should even have, but it exists nonetheless. Of late, I've felt more cut off from a lot of people and things. My life is feels like a giant ocean and I'm floating in it instead of swimming across it; waves move me about and I have to dodge floating chunks of shit, but I mostly remain as static as possible to avoid sinking.

Mmm... Unoriginal metaphors.

I tend to look forward to my bike rides these days because it gives me the most time to think. I look forward to things, but I feel the most stable and secure when I'm by myself or with a few other people. I've always had a bit of an introvert streak, but I don't think it's ever been this bad. I hate it. I used to be all about hanging out with a bunch of friends and I used to be way more proactive in getting things done. I'm pretty sure the fear this generates is due to the absolute weirdness of it all, but I also think it's an good old fashioned fear of dying. I've always seen getting more isolated as a sign of getting old.

Let me break TK1's Theory of Old Folks down for you. As folks get older, their circle of friends narrows and they become more inclined to work with the status quo. This happens for a variety of reasons, and, "status quo," is relative to the individual. As I seem to be following this pattern, my tiny lizard brain conclusion (yeah, tiny lizard brain be all philosophizing and shit, screw you) is that the end is coming.

That's much more depressing typed out than it was in my head.

What I am choosing to believe is that I'm just a little burned out. This seems to happen every spring and is just extra bad this year because I'm doing so much more. I'm not crazy just because I get depressed in spring and happy in the fall/winter, right?



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